BDSM Newbie Advice

All obviously IMHO – never trust a man who gives unsolicited advice 😉

Starting at the most important, and counting down.

10: There is no ‘true way’ and there are no rules… there is only what you want to experience and achieve. If others say you are doing it wrong, listen, decide whether you agree that their way is better for you and if not disregard it. Beware of anyone who makes blanket statements about what doms or subs ‘should’ or ‘must’ do, unless the behaviour is without the mutual consent of those involved.

9: Be in control of yourself. Be comfortable that what you are doing is right for you. Don’t do anything that makes you feel guilty or genuinely ashamed of yourself. Don’t do anything because you think you should or in the grip of strong negative emotions (ie; don’t play when angry or jealous). Don’t get involved because it’s fashionable.

8: Take things slowly. Do not be desperate. BDSM is just a form of relationship… if you play with someone at a party, or who you met once, it’s like a one night stand… they are not your Dom or sub. Do not try to do this with someone you wouldn’t be interested in as a partner in vanilla terms. If your Ds/SM isn’t sexual that can mean someone you wouldn’t consider a friend, but either way consider the person before the experience and don’t rush into any commitment just because the BDSM aspect fits.

7: Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! Be very very clear about hard limits and try not to miss any out. Be clear about your previous experience, and remember that anything can become a new hard limit at any time. If a limit is soft, explain your reservations to avoid it being pushed in the wrong way. Remember Doms have limits too! If something is making you unhappy talk about it. If you want something you are not getting, talk about it.

6: Be honest with your partner(s)! Like 100% honest. This is not something most people in society do or consider possible, but when you are handing over authority, taking authority, and potentially doing things that in normal society would be considered abuse, damaging or emotionally edgy you cannot operate by the rules of normal society. Broken trust will break everything. Just tell the truth – if your partner can’t handle the truth you need a different partner to pursue this lifestyle.

5: Be risk aware – and aware that everything we do in the lifestyle (and in fact in everyday life) carries a risk – even if you don’t do physical SM there is a big emotional risk in any power exchange. The fact that something is ‘unsafe’ is not a bar to doing it, but, as adults, you must be willing to take the risk; so educate yourself as to what those risks are. Just because a lot of other people do something does not make it safe, but equally just because a lot of scene people say something is unsafe does not mean it cannot be done with reasonable caution. Consider the worst that can happen, the likelihood of that happening, the consequences of that happening, and whether it is worth the risk to you to do it.

4: BDSM is not something that happens on the internet. The internet is a tool for communication and information. You can play mind games on the internet that can seem very intense, but online play is not real and a relationship of any kind with someone you have never met is something we used to call ‘being penpals’ and is often not at all what it seems when you do meet. There is no reason to become part of any public scene at all, but if you want to meet likeminded folk go to a local munch. Do not go in the hope of meeting a partner or finding someone to play with – just go to meet people and make friends – the rest will follow.

3: When meeting someone for the first time that you have contacted remotely via some scene group, you are not going to meet your new sub/Dom/Master – you are going to meet a hopefully like minded person. If you insist on playing at a first encounter remember to let someone know where you are, consider safe calls, and never forget bondage might seem to be the lighter end of BDSM but being tied up is the most dangerous position you can put yourself in with someone you don’t have complete trust of.

2: Pain is the body’s way of warning you of danger or damage. If something hurts (or you hurt your partner) be conscious of why and sure it’s under control.

1: Consider serious/long term commitments as you might consider a marriage. Collaring, for instance, means different things to different people, but if you see collaring as a serious Ds commitment, do not accept or offer a collar until you are certain this is the absolutely perfect partner for you. The same goes with consentual slavery. If you are collared and de-collared several times, or you are someone’s slave one week and with someone else the next you loose all credibility. Yes, collared and M/s relationships can fail the same as any other relationship can, but if you want them to mean anything at least be sure you want to commit seriously and long-term at the time you take on those terms, otherwise you will devalue the concept entirely and have nothing to give when you do mean it.